I want to ask you a question. Can you list twenty things you enjoy doing? But wait, it must be things that do not involve your kids or husband. Now can you list twenty things you enjoy doing alone? Ok, ten? Five? Have you done any of them lately? If you are anything like me or many other wives and mothers, you will find this task to be a surprisingly or not so surprisingly, but definitely an eye opening challenge. Get ready, we’re going to unpack a lot today. Anyway, I was challenged, or should I say “dared” to do this when I began to read the book “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle. In this book, Doyle teaches six intimacy skills to help women attract the time, attention, and affection from their husbands and self-care was the center of the first skill. I know some of y’all trying to hide from your husbands, but keep reading. Lol. But all jokes aside; before anyone starts thinking self-care is selfish and not Godly, I will set the record straight immediately that this is not a blog about “putting yourself first.”  So, try not to overthink this simple concept of little pleasures. Anyway, I ordered this book based on the recommendation of my good friend/sister in Christ. At the time, it was our 25^th year of marriage, and that year proved to be the hardest. The disconnection between hubby and I was worse than I could have ever imagined. I am not sure if any of you can relate to this (I hope not), but it is a dangerous place to be. So, when the book arrived, the idea of attracting my husband’s time, attention, and affection was captivating to say the least, because clearly something either he or I was doing was all wrong. I will admit, the word “attracting” struck a nerve because those days I felt about as attractive as a fabric swatch to a magnet. Lol. Exactly…absolutely ZERO attraction in that scenario, which is how I had been feeling all year. In time, I will share more details about how challenging things had gotten in my marriage, but for now, I want to focus this time on the simple, yet also daunting task of making a list of things I enjoy. According to Doyle, these are things that you enjoy doing simply because they are delightful and make you happy. The point is to recognize that only you can make you happy, not hubby, not kiddos, not anyone. Before I go any further, I do want to point out that joy and happiness are two different things. Joy is experienced in our innermost being and comes from the Lord. But I will touch on that another time. For the purpose of this discussion, we are talking about simple earthly pleasures that bring “happiness” and the idea that happy people are more pleasant to be around, therefore more attractive to your better half.

Soooooo what makes me happy? Hmm? How is it that I do not immediately know what things (besides my family) makes ME happy? I will admit that the fact that this question was so hard to answer made me feel a little blue. I felt sad when I started working on this list. I didn’t even know what little things made me happy without involving my loved ones.  How can this be? Was this a strong indicator that I might be relying too much on my family as my sole source of happiness and pleasure? Or wait…am I needy? Lol. Or have I subconsciously been trying to live up to the “#1 mom” image stamped on my coffee mug or the “team wifey, better together” t-shirt I got from the last marriage conference by being unnecessarily sacrificial? I am not sure why I could not quickly identify what makes me happy on my own, but it was disturbing.

If you have already thought of 100 things that make you happy that don’t involve your husband or kids while reading this, and you actually make time to do them, then I applaud you….or I might be a tiny bit worried about you.  Lol  But anyway, don’t ever be me. Now please do not get me wrong, I know a high level of sacrifice comes with the territory of being a mom and wife and our primary focus should be our families.  I also understand that being with them does make us happy and that their well-being is a priority. But each time I unnecessarily discounted something I would have enjoyed doing in the name of being team wifey or #1 mom, I unknowingly erased a tiny part of me to the point of no longer knowing what I like and subconsciously taught myself and my family that they are my only source of enjoyment (i.e., needy). I emphasize “UN-necessarily” because sacrifice is a necessary and noble part of the job, but we as wives and moms struggle with where to draw the line between where those roles stop, and our individuality begin. We often think we are needed in times/places where we actually are not. And as it turns out our families would be just fine if we took a 30 minute bubble bath instead of watch American Idol with them.  So, I may have gone from sacrificial to invisible to possibly bordering on needy. Then unexplained irritability, resentment, and exhaustion starts to creep in, and we didn’t even see it coming.

I’m not saying kick your family to the curb. So don’t start marching through the house waving your “it’s all about me and everyone else can kick rocks” flag just yet. LOL. But how do you keep your #1 mom mug, team wifey t-shirt, be a good Christian woman AND learn to be happy with just you? Simple. Make just a little room in the tiny corner of your own life just for you. Figure out what makes you smile and make the list. I started with a short list because everything that came to my mind involved my husband or kids.  Here is a tip – you can start small and add stuff to your list whenever you want to. But I couldn’t just make the list, I had to actually do stuff on the list. Doyle recommended doing three things from the list tomorrow, the next day, and so on. But honestly, doing just one thing is a great start.

One thing on my list was day trips. So, I decided to take a short day trip to a charming little town I had been wanting to visit called Mount Dora.  I enjoyed it so much. I stopped off on the way to do a little leisurely shopping. I even bought a little surprise to bring home to hubby. I planned to get ice cream on the way back, but the place was cash only. Bummer. Can I just say that “cash only” is the equivalent of seeing a pay phone and it just hit me that some of y’all may never have seen a pay phone. LOL. Anyway, the town was cute with lots of quaint little shops, a giant flea market and antique shops. I plan to go again with hubby. But this day was for me. It is just something about doing something alone that brings a certain level of self-awareness of your own existence. I can’t quite explain it. I guess I felt like a person.  Now I realize a day trip takes a lot of time, but many things on my list take less than 30 minutes, some even 10 minutes. Anyway, something else I did, I spent time with God on my drive. Just me and Him. It was wonderful. I guess it’s kind of like when your middle child gets alone time with you. They feel closer to you and feel special. That is how I feel when I spend time with myself and God.

So, what happens when you do things just for you? Well, you start to see yourself and suddenly you give yourself permission to be seen by others in a positive light. What you are saying to yourself, and your family is, “Hey, here I am!”  Suddenly your husband sees you the way he saw you when you first met, an individual woman with her own value and desires. It helps him see you as a woman and not just his wife or his children’s mom, but he sees that the woman he fell in love with is still in there. Something else happens when you do little things to make yourself smile.  Yep, you are more pleasant to be around! Happy people just are a delight, and they make the people around them smile. Your husband will find you more attractive if you are pleasant to be around, your little ones won’t feel compelled to draw you a picture just to make you smile, and your teens won’t hide in their rooms from you lol. You’ve heard the term “Happy Wife, Happy Life”.  I don’t think this means that the world revolves around the woman. But I do believe the mommy and wifey demeanors drive the atmosphere of the home. An unhappy, irritated, exhausted, or needy woman can completely zap the life out of the entire home. On the contrary, when mom is happy, light-hearted and pleasant, the home is light-hearted and pleasant. But this is not the burden of your family, it is yours.

Here are a few things from my list of delightful things:

1. Watching an episode of Friends at night before bed
2. Wrapping up in a blanket on the sofa, drinking hot tea, and watching a “family dynamics” show like Parenthood.
3. Watching prank call videos on YouTube
4. Getting a mani/pedi
5. Taking a walk on a trail along natural water when the sun is bright
6. Fresh flowers – I don’t have to wait for hubby, I can pick these up anytime
7. Candle lit hot bubble bath
8. Day trips
9. A cup of hot cocoa
10. A short nap on the sofa (it must be on the sofa in MY corner lol)

Let’s pause for a moment. Before you get worried that you will appear selfish (not Godly), by making a list of things that you enjoy doing alone, remember that we are to be good stewards of what God has created. He created you and you should take care of you. Not at the expense of other’s happiness and not to the point of neglecting your family and God, but find a balance. It can be done. So, what delights you? I am not talking about exercising or eating salad because you find enjoyment in wearing skinny jeans. Doyle is talking about things that simply make you happy and smile without a prequel. Cleaning the house because you like a clean house doesn’t count (unless you genuinely like cleaning????). Because you must clean the house to have the clean house. Lol. She is talking about things that require nothing else but doing that something that makes you happy. And if it involves your husband doing something for you, that doesn’t count either because it is not his job to make you happy. So, what about you? Can you make a list of things that you enjoy for the sheer enjoyment of them? Do you like fresh flowers, then pick up some when you go grocery shopping. What about silly cell phone games? There was a fashion game on Facebook years ago that I loved. Take 10 minutes to play something you like. Are you ready to make the list?

I was searching for scripture to support this concept of self-care enjoyment because I know that someone is struggling with this concept and guilt is already setting in for some at the mere thought of doing a self-focused activity. I came across many scriptures that support the idea that we have permission from God to enjoy life and happiness and take time out for ourselves. Mark 6:31 says, ”. “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’ For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.” According to Proverbs 17:22, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Psalms 144: 15 says, “Happy are the people whose God is the LORD!”

But the scripture that said it all for me is Psalms 139:13-16. NIV

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book.”  Wow. Isn’t it comforting to know God knew you before you were…well, you? It is also a testament of how God had a unique design for each of us including our likes, dislikes and even all the quirkiness that others may not understand about you. But your creator understands you. You may enjoy a nap on the lawn, but I would be too bothered by the bugs to enjoy it. Someone else on the other hand, might delight in actually catching bugs. Yikes! Lol. The point is what you enjoy was a part of His special design just for you.

Now are you ready to make a list of the things that delight you? Your homework is to make a list and do at least one thing each day. These simple pleasures are not to be a replacement or your main source of joy, which comes from the Lord, but they are enhancements and little delights that God has blessed each of us with to enjoy.

See yourself, let you husband see you, be pleasant and lighthearted and create the same atmosphere for your family by simply being deliberate about doing delightful things that make you smile more.

I’d love to hear some of what each of you are doing each day. Join the “Wife Woman Warrior” Facebook group, a community of like-minded wives doing life together.