If a road trip gets tough, you really can’t just get out of the car and stop driving.  You have to keep going.  You almost don’t have a choice.  Marriage is supposed to be this way.

Last time we talked about difficult seasons in marriage being like a major traffic jam – feeling stuck, not knowing how long it will last, and not being able to see the clear path home.  But changing our perspective by choosing not to see this season as a standalone, but rather as part of a greater whole (part of 60 or 70 years together), the season begins to lose power because it is only a part of our marriage, not the actual marriage. I know.  I know.  You’re probably thinking, “Ok that’s wonderful, I’ve changed my perspective, but I’m still frustrated and I’m still tired so now what?”  Changing your perspective does not change how painful it can be and how hard it can be to not lose heart; but prayerfully, it brings hope back into a seemingly hopeless situation so that you can endure this season and experience what God has planned.

So now that there is hope to endure, what do you do while you wait for this agonizing season to pass? You accept it and surrender it. Yes, that’s right.  Accept that you might be in a season that simply must occur no matter how hard you fight it and surrender it to the only one who can really turn things around, and that is God.  I don’t even have to tell you that this is not an easy feat.  It is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.  The reason it is hard is because these seasons usually bring personal growth and we know growing pains are real.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think comfort and tremendous growth usually exist in the same space. I could be wrong, but it seems like the times that I have grown the most have been extremely uncomfortable.  I would imagine the more uncomfortable, the greater the growth (if you yield to it).

So the first thing I mentioned was that you need to accept it.  Of course, there are many additional things to do during this time, including surrendering.  But we will save those for next time.  Today we will focus on accepting the fact that you are in a treacherous season in your marriage and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot you can do about it.  It sounds terrible, I know.  But remember this is a season and like my sissy always says, “This too shall pass”. So here it is.

Accepting It

We recently did a study in church on Ecclesiastes chapter 3.  The very first verse says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven”.  What this tells me is that sometimes we are in a season that simply has its appointed time in our lives and each season has its own purpose. Do you have a favorite season? I love summer.  Yeah, I know, it’s hot. Lol  But I loved when the kids were not in school, and things were just a little bit more carefree and less structured.  My kids kept us very busy with activities, so summers were just a tiny bit less hectic.  I love the long days of summer, the planned getaways, and just the laid-back feeling those warm humid evenings would bring. But the one part of summer that I am not a fan of is Hurricane season. There is lots of prep to be ready “just in case” we get hit; and when there is actually something brewing in the tropics, we get a little more serious about preparation.  But when it becomes inevitable that we will for sure get hit, we “hunker down”.  If you live in Florida, you know that hunker down means you settle in, find a safe place, shelter in.  Once the hurricane hits, there is nothing to do but wait for it to pass.  We all wish difficult seasons in marriage would come and go as fast a hurricane, but usually they don’t. It cold be weeks, months, or even years sometimes. But “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)  God will finish what He started in you, your spouse, and your marriage.  In an encouraging article that I read on FamilyLife.com, it says, “More often than not, He (God) chooses to work slow and steady….”.  So chances are, the difficulties in a marriage won’t pass as quickly as a hurricane.  And as much as I love summer, I know that winter also has its appointed time that must be endured to get to summer.

Now there are some less tumultuous times in marriage where some of our usual tools like good communication, quality time, a getaway, or bringing back date night will help you reset quickly.  But then there are periods that you begin to realize are completely out of your hands and you can do nothing but accept it for the appointed time. Like waiting on a hurricane to pass or like being in a major traffic jam, sometimes there’s simply not much you can do.  But remember, when there is nothing you can do, this should be your first clue that God is up to something.  Make no mistake, He is on the throne.  Your nothing = God’s something.  Now, I want to be clear, I am not suggesting we accept certain behaviors such as abuse.  If you are in an abusive situation or are not safe (mentally or physically) or you are not sure if you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help by visiting the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Otherwise, it is very important to continuously consult with God to recognize the type of season you are in.  In my experience, God will either give you clear direction on what to do OR He will urge you to simply be still and wait. For me it has been to be still.  I remember one day sitting in my mom’s house and I randomly looked at this wall of greeting cards that she keeps near her dining table. I had sat in that chair many times and never noticed this one card.  But as I turned, my eyes met the face of the card which said, “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalms 46:10). I was already waiting on God, but that was confirmation for me to keep waiting.  If you’re willing to wait on God, He will work things out in such a way that you don’t have to do anything.  There is a time for everything, and this may be a time for you to wait on God.

Can you imagine how many seasons come and go in a 60- or 70-year marriage?  For two imperfect people to make it to the season where their marriage becomes a legacy, where their children’s children can look to them with admiration and respect, we may need to accept that certain seasons are inevitable for some marriages. I love summer, but I know that I can’t have endless summers.  I must go through the winter months, like it or not.  Just like fall becomes winter, winter spring and spring summer, so do the seasons in our marriages change.

Acceptance is so hard, and it can take a looooong time to get to that point, but it is a necessary step to surrendering.  We’ll talk about that next time.

Remember, God loves you.  We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19.