I was thinking the other day about how little kids respond to pain.  We’ve all seen it.  Right before your very eyes, a precious kid takes a fall, bumps their head hard and you know it’s a doozy!  We brace ourselves, because even though they are silent at first – you see the anguish on their face, their mouth opens wide, but nothing comes out.  But you know it’s just the quiet before the storm.  They take a deep gasp, hold their breath and BAM!  The earsplitting wail comes out of that little body in response to their pain.  The deeper the gasp and the longer they hold their breath, the louder that cry will be.  Lol.  We as adults may experience that kind of pain as well.  You ever been so hurt by someone that you couldn’t even cry?  You just opened your mouth and made an ugly, crying face in hopes something would come out. When it finally did, you heard your own self wailing. The kind of pain mixed with anger and rage.  The kind that helped you understand what the bible means by “lamenting”.  Have you ever had to forgive or try to forgive someone for causing you this kind of hurt?

Forgiveness, trust, healing, and restoration can overlap in the worst way.  If you have ever been deeply hurt by someone you love and have gotten over it, you know that true healing can only come when complete forgiveness takes place. But how do you know you have completely forgiven someone? That was a question I had to greatly explore recently.  Some past hurts had been creeping up even though things were going well between me and this person.  But that pain from the past was relentless (or should I say the enemy was relentless).  Because although healing and forgiveness are closely intertwined, they are separate journeys, and the enemy will try to prevent healing through unforgiveness.  Anyway, these feelings forced me to do some reflecting on the state of my heart.  I had not thought about the past for quite some time, but for some reason these wounds seemed to seep open.  Someone asked me if I had truly forgiven this person and I responded, “Yes, I think so?”, with a giant question mark on the end of my response.  I was sure I had forgiven them.  I no longer had anger or resentment or bitterness towards them or even when I was triggered (I hate this word lol) to think about the past, I did not feel anger at all. I only felt pain.  In my mind, if I did not have ill-will or anger in my heart towards this person, I must have definitely forgiven them, right?  Afterall, I made a deliberate decision one day to forgive because it is biblical, and we are to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us.  But had I?

So what is true forgiveness?

What does it mean to forgive “As Christ God has forgiven us”?  I needed to answer this question for myself.  I read articles, watched an R.C. Sproul video on YouTube, and I did 3 reading plans from the Holy Bible app in one night!  The reading plans ranged from 3 to 5-day plans, which means I did about 10-15 days of reading plans in one night. Lol. Bless my little anxious heart. Lol.  Anyway, I was determined to understand this.  Everything I read, including an article on LAChristianCounseling.com, confirmed the concept that forgiveness means letting go of resentment (which I had done), BUT it also means we “give up any claim to be compensated for the hurt suffered” (which I had not).  Let me repeat that.  “We give up any claim to be compensated for the hurt suffered”.  I had an “ah ha” moment with God in the wee hours of the night. Because Jesus paid the price for our sins, God does not require any compensation for our offenses because the price has already been paid.  God showed me an area deep in my heart where I felt this person “owed” it to me to help me heal.  I didn’t realize that this was a form of expecting compensation for an offense, which also meant I still had unforgiveness in my heart.  The blood of Jesus already covered the offender’s sin and my sins.  So why would they owe many anything if they don’t even owe God anything?

So forgiving “as Christ God has forgiven us” means we forgive freely expecting nothing in return. I do want to clarify that feeling entitled to be compensated by someone who hurt you is different from holding someone accountable for what they have agreed to do to for the relationship.  Expecting a person to take steps to rebuild trust or to correct a financial mistake, etc., are examples of someone taking responsibility for their actions, and this is appropriate.  But listen very carefully and read this next sentence very slowly.  While taking steps to make things right is good for maintaining a healthy relationship, forgiveness is NOT contingent upon whether the offender takes any responsibility for their actions at all.  The bible doesn’t say, “forgive each other just as Christ has forgiven you IF they make things right”.  If a person is not willing to reasonably correct a wrong, this may affect the dynamics of the relationship, BUT we are still required to forgive.  Yes, it does make it much harder to forgive.  But if you are withholding forgiveness until someone “makes things right”, this is a form of expecting compensation or expecting them to “pay for what they’ve done”.  God will hold each of us accountable for our choices.  Meaning, the consequences, grace and/or mercy that we each receive is up to God.

Another way one may seek compensation is through the need to seek remorse, compassion, or empathy before willing to forgive.  Who doesn’t want to see evidence that the person feels bad for what they did?  When you’re hurting, you also want compassion and empathy.  But you really want it specifically from the person that hurt you and it is not enough for them to feel bad just initially.  You want them to feel bad when you feel bad.  You may feel it isn’t fair that your healing journey will likely outlast their remorse journey by weeks, months, or even years. Afterall, they made a choice and pulled you on a train ride you never asked to be on.  Why should they be able to get off several stops before you, while you ride the misery train alone to the end?  So, there is this deep heartache that desperately longs for the offender to understand your pain, to feel what you feel, help you heal, or take responsibility for your feelings, and see it through to the end. I realized these were the things I wanted in exchange for my forgiveness. Wanting them to be part of my healing journey was in some way my failed attempt to show them exactly how deeply they had hurt me or subconsciously keeping them on the hook so their remorse didn’t fade before my healing was complete.  But Christ did not die for any of us to live in a perpetual state of guilt and shame.  Desiring that your offender is free from guilt and shame is a sure sign that forgiveness is taking place in your heart.  But I had been holding on to my hurt, while unknowingly withholding complete forgiveness waiting for them to graduate from the school of empathy (with honors lol). While it is important for a person to be able to empathize with you because it helps them understand how their behavior impacts others, it is not a condition for forgiveness, and it won’t help you heal.  I had to make peace with and acknowledge that it was ok that they may never fully understand the hurt that they caused; just like we will never know how much we hurt God when we sin against Him. The person that hurt you may not understand your pain, but God knows and sees your hurt. And you are not alone on this misery train.  “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”- Psalms 34:18. And Psalms 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”.  Release your hurt to God and receive in exchange for it, His healing power, His unfailing love, and His compassion for you..

Have you mastered the art of UNforgiveness?

Here are some signs of unforgiveness.

• Negative emotions (anger, bitterness, resentment) when you think of the person or the offense.
• Delighting in watching the offender suffer personal consequences for what they did.
• Expecting compensation for your pain or wanting them to pay for what they’ve done.
• Needing more empathy from the offender than humanly possible or wanting them to continue feeling bad.
• Holding on to pain for whatever reason or inability to heal.

If there is a chance you are mastering the art of unforgiveness, ask God to help you address this right away so that you yourself may receive forgiveness and that you do not remain in disobedience to God, which is no less a sin than what your offender may have done. God is compassionate, has seen every tear, and understands how difficult this is, so lean on the power of the Holy Spirit to help you. Also, keep in mind, the enemy delights in unforgiveness because it keeps you broken and unhealed and keeps the offender in bondage to their sin and shame. But we want to be like Jesus, which means we demonstrate selfless love by pardoning those who have hurt us.  Completely “letting go” activates God’s healing power and helps free the offender from guilt so that they also may experience the limitless grace of God that we all need.

My final thought.  If God has restored a relationship, unforgiveness is the killer of that restoration.  It is not easy, but with Christ’s help, having compassion for the offender, and A LOT of humility, you can extend pure and complete forgiveness as Christ God has forgiven you.  Forgiveness is not a one and done.  It is a daily decision that you must make while healing. Wake up every day and say, “I forgive him/her”.  This will help set the tone for your day, ease your pain, and put the enemy in his place.

God’s Word
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, graciously forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has graciously forgiven you.
Isaiah 43:18 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
Psalm 34:18 18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.