Mama always said, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  I think everybody’s teacher, coach, mom, big mama aka grandmother or some wise woman wearing a moo moo (mu’umu’u) has said this to you at least once in your life. You have probably said it to someone else – probably said some version of it to one of your kids this week.  When you think about it, it is pretty sound advice.  But it is actually more than advice, it is biblical and comes from Matthew 7:12 that says, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you…”.  It is a simple rule that requires us to pause and imagine how we would feel on the receiving end of our own behavior. And based on our self-awareness of what feels good or bad to us, we should adjust how we behave towards others to mirror what we would like. It is good sound, biblical teaching, but what if I told you to do the opposite of that today? Don’t panic. In my Southern Belle voice, “Girl, don’t get your panties in a bunch!”  LOL. I promise, I love the Lord and I am obedient to His Word. But just stick with me for a moment.

Have you ever tried to generically apply this concept in your marriage and the response you got from your spouse shocked you? Like writing him a long thought out love note in a greeting card only to see him rummaging through the gift bag to make sure you got that cologne he hoped for. Lol. One of my guilty pleasures is watching a TV show called, Married at First Sight.  It’s a show where experts pair singles together who they believe would be compatible in marriage.  The paired couples get married having never met or interacted with each other prior to their wedding day. Don’t judge me for watching.  I said it was a “guilty” pleasure. Lol. Anyway, one of the relationship experts said, regarding the old saying, that instead of “doing unto your spouse what you would have them do unto you” you should NOT do unto your spouse as you would have them do unto you. In my Scooby Doo voice, I was like “huh?”.  LOL.  But obviously, they were not implying that we should mistreat our spouses.  What the expert was saying was simple.  What you do for your spouse or how you treat them should be tailored towards his/her liking, not yours. Wait, you mean my husband may not feel the way I feel in similar situations?  Who knew? 😉

One of the first marriage books I ever read was “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.  Most people have either read this book or taken a Love Language Quiz or at least heard about the concept. This concept has expanded to even an Apology Language Quiz. If you haven’t done so or haven’t done so in a long time, take the Love Language quiz with your hubby.  Anyway, I digress. The point of the book is that we all differ in the way we feel and receive love and have a natural tendency to show love to others the way we feel loved. This same concept expands across many of the ways that we interact in our marriages. One big example is gift giving. When we first got married, my husband did not see giving or receiving a greeting card as an important part of the gift. He was perfectly ok if I did not give him a card with his gift. But he learned the hard way on Mother’s Day 1996 that if he gave me a gift without a card or note, it didn’t mean much to me. And I wasn’t the “gracious”, diplomatic lady you see today.  Let’s just say I have grown in the way I express my dismay.  I promise I’m better now.  😊 But on the contrary, what really matters to him is that I know him well enough to pick something he would really like with or without a card. I am ok if the gift he gives is not exactly what I wanted if the card has meaningful words and also because I think you can return gifts.  Lol. But that’s another story for another day.

Anywho, if you’ve been with your hubby long enough, I think (I hope) by now you have gotten good at buying the gifts that you know he will like, not what you think he should like.  Somebody is feeling convicted right now. Lol. At the same time, someone else is patting herself on the back with pursed lips saying, “Oh I know what my man likes, and I give great gifts!”  You go girl! But what about the intangibles? Respect. Value. Love. Honor. Cherish. Quality time. Intimacy. Connection.

How good are you at showing these things to your husband in the way he desires to receive them vs the way you desire to receive and show them?

Mic drops. This is a deliberate pause for effect. Lol.

Ok, being serious now. Let’s think about these things over the next few days and come back next week to finish the conversation.

Be blessed and be a blessing, ladies!