Have you ever had a bad day?  You’re reading this like, “Uh, is the sky blue?”  Lol. I think we’ve all had enough bad days by now that we know exactly what we’ll need to feel better when the day is over.

I can remember times early in our marriage we were both working outside of the home.  If I had a rough day, I looked forward to coming home to hubby and just relaxing with him and telling him all about my day. He probably didn’t look forward to “hearing” all about my day as much as I looked forward to telling him. Lol.  But anyway, just the thought of getting home to him helped me get through the day.  I loved engaging with him about what happened and just getting things off my chest.  When he listened, probed, asked questions, or even offered an opinion I felt valued and connected.  With that in mind, I remember a time he came home with that look on his face like he had the day from you know where.  Not that I was happy he was miserable, but I will admit I was thinking, here is my chance to earn the wife of the year award!  I get to “be there” for him like he’s been here for me. What I did next was my first lesson in “Do NOT do unto others” exactly as you would have them do unto you.  Of course, I wanted him to feel better, I wanted him to feel connected, I wanted him to feel valued.  So I tilted my head and put on my most empathetic “I’m here for you” face, and eagerly said, “Talk to me”.  Oh, I was ready.  Y’all, that man didn’t say a word.  Lol. He was quiet. Um…ok?  I pressed.  He withdrew. I pressed. He withdrew.  Finally, I listened and left him alone. Later, he told me he felt disrespected and not valued because I kept pressing.  I was confused because what I would’ve wanted in that same scenario was what I was trying to give him.

Last time we spoke about NOT doing unto your spouse what you would have them do unto you. We left with a question, “How good are you at showing respect, value, love, honor, quality time, intimacy, appreciation, and connecting to your husband in the way he needs to receive them vs the way you need to receive them?” We all know that when you buy a gift for hubby, you buy what he likes, not what you like.  But it’s not so easy to meet his emotional needs without letting our own personal feelings interfere with how we think we should meet them.  As you can clearly see I missed the mark in the above scenario.  And that is just one of many examples of me missing the mark on making my husband feel respected, appreciated, or honored in his way.

But why can’t making someone feel appreciated or loved be as simple as gift giving? Well, because emotional needs aren’t simple.  Emotions are natural, instinctive, complex, and are very personal.  And ladies, if we’re honest, we tend to have A LOT of “emotions” (speaking for myself at least). Lol. And contrary to what many believe, your husband has emotional needs, and they are just as personal to him as yours are to you.  This is why we can’t always “do unto others the way we want them to do unto us”.  Our feelings are so innate that trying to separate them from ourselves when trying to meet someone else’s needs is like trying to write with your left hand if you are right handed.  It is just not natural.  Because of this, we instinctively try to meet the needs of others the way we naturally would like our needs met.

How do we avoid the natural tendency to either ignore or be less aware of the way our husband needs to feel respected, honored, valued, appreciated, connected, or loved? It’s simple.  Ask him. Or ask is there anything that makes him feel dishonored, disrespected, or unappreciated.  You might be as surprised as I was when I found out that leaving dishes in the sink or not having a perfectly clean house made my husband feel disrespected.  Did that mean I could never ever leave dishes? No, but it gave way to some good dialogue and cleared up some misconceptions and let’s just say there has been a lot of left dishes in 28 years and he still feels very much respected by me.  By the way, I promise I am not a slob.  But as a working mom, I do value quality time with family over a spotless house.  Anyway, the point is, do not make assumptions.  You might be surprised by what makes your husband “feel” certain feelings.

“Do unto others” is the golden rule, it is biblical, and nine times out ten it is the best way to know how to treat people.  But I would challenge you to consider customizing this concept to tailor the needs of your husband, especially when it comes to those complex emotions.  Showing respect in the way your husband feels respected or interacting with him in the way that he feels valued simply must be tailored specifically for him like a custom made suit – designed just for him.

When in doubt, treat your husband the way Jesus treats you.

Be blessed and be a blessing, ladies!